Only in the NFL…
1. Tom Brady’s Hair
Nice haircut Tom, does it come in men’s?
And the award for biggest bowl cut in the history of kitchen utensil-shaped hair cuts does to… Tom Brady, following the infinite wisdom of wife Gisele Bundchen, has decided to grow his hair, emulating the pre-pubescent Canadian pop-tart Justin Bieber right down to the sideswept fringe. Not going to lie, I actually cried when I saw this. Even Randy Moss felt inclined to tell Brady straight-up that his hair cut makes him look like a girl. Sure, taking hair styling tips from Randy Moss is like taking… well… taking hair styling tips from Randy Moss…
But in my opinion, Randy Moss seems to be more clued in to attractive male hairstyles than the world’s highest paid supermodel.
2. Brett Favre retires… LOL just kidding, he’s back
As sure as the sun will rise in the morning, Brett Favre will announce that he will not be returning next season, and then return. And 2010 did not disappoint with Favre returning for his 20th NFL season after announcing his retirement “for real”! He quits, returns, then quits again, goes back for a year, takes a break, flirts with going back, then back to quitting, and then it’s just a guessing ga- oh and he is back. It’s official, Favre has beaten every team in the NFL… And retired from half of them.
3. San Francisco 49ers are… 0-5
First of all, what sort of team moniker is a ‘49er’? Well, so you can sleep tonight, according to the ever-reliable *cough* Wikipedia: “The name “49ers” comes from the name given to the gold prospectors who arrived in Northern California around 1849 during the California Gold Rush.” Interesting, but weird nevertheless… Aside from their strange moniker, the 49ers are none from five for the first time since 1979. QB Alex Smith had a shocker of a game, and in other relevatory news water is wet and the sky is blue. But the true indication that the shit has hit the fan at the Niners was the fans booing Smith, and chanting for David Carr. Yes, the Niners’ fans are so desperate they were chanting for a washed-up has-been to take the field and save them from embarrassment.
If it’s any consolation to Mike Singleton, there’s an ex-NRL coach in Parramatta who knows what you’re going through. Feel free to call him and discuss bitchy quarterbacks/fullbacks who don’t listen to their coaches
4. “Excessive Celebration Penalty”
Yes, it is a real rule. Excessive celebrations in which a player leaves his feet or uses a prop incur a 15 yard penalty as Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten was reminded the hard way in his team’s loss to the Tennessee Titans. Despite Tony Romo throwing for over 400 yards in this back-and-forth arm wrestle with the Titans, the Cowboys still managed to find a way to lose it. They’re nothing if not creative.
Witten scored a touchdown to tie the match up with five minutes to go and then, in the belief that sharing is caring, handed the ball to offensive tackle Marc Colombo to spike in the end zone. After this frivolity was over, Witten and Colombo attempted a Modern Family-esque ‘sports guy chest bump’
Now Colombo is no pixie, but somehow he ended up on the ground, the Cowboys ended up with a 15 yard penalty, and the Titans ended up scoring. Yes, according to the Zebras, falling flat on your back does constitute excessive celebration. And that is a coach killer if ever I saw one.
5. Patriots Special Teams
Wow. Just wow. The Patriots’ 41-14 ass-whooping of the Miami Dolphins could potentially be the greatest Special Teams and defensive display in history (yes I am a Patriots fan…). In his 100th career win, Tom Brady threw one TD, yes ONE TOUCHDOWN in a 27 point win to make the Dolphins look like canned tuna, now that is some nice special teams/defense effort. The icing on the cake; the Patriots became the first team in NFL history to score a passing touchdown, rushing …touchdown, kickoff return touchdown, interception return touchdown, and blocked field goal return touchdown in one match. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.