Louisee


Thanks for playing, See you in 2011

For an excellent account of the Melbourne Storm salary cap scandal I highly suggest visiting the Oh Errol girls.   

For a pretty crappy attempt at giving my completely prejudiced anti-melbourne opinion that has been born & bred into me… Well you’ve come to the right place   

I’m sure almost everyone not currently living under a rock has heard about the dirty, cheating, lying mexicans that in NRL terms are commonly called the Melbourne Storm. There have been a tonne of facebook groups dedicated to hating the Melbourne Storm, and it was even a trending topic on Twitter. I am not even joking ‘Melbourne Storm’ was actually ahead of ‘Justin Bieber’ at one stage. And you know that when an Australian Rugby League team is higher than a 16 year old Canadian singer/heartthrob/pre-pubescent boy then the shit has really hit the fan.      

The Melbourne Storm were ahead of this! ^

 I am probably the last person who should be casting stones at the Melbourne Storm, I myself tend to look at rules as “guidelines” and do like to make a mockery of them as seen in my 113 Things Louise is not allowed to do at school. But I am an avid Manly supporter I like nothing better than seeing the Storm screw things up. And by screw things up I usually mean trivial things like losing matches, fumbling the ball out of dummy half, missing conversions from 10m out from the goalposts, and getting injured. But not even I, in my wildest dreams, could ever imagine them screwing up this majorly.   

There is nothing better than seeing this

 And yes I do have that picture glued into one of my school books. It is a very powerful motivating tool k?   

But of course, the ramifications of the Storm breaking the rules is a bit more serious than me breaking my school rules. ie The worst penalty I have ever received is a detention in year 4 because I didn’t colour my title page in neatly enough, however the penalty the Melbourne Storm received is:   

  • $500000 fine
  • $1.1million worth of sponsorship money to be repaid and split evenly between the remaining 15 teams
  • Stripped of three Minor Premierships
  • Stripped of 2007 & 2009 Premierships
  • Stripped of 8 points accrued so far this season & will not be playing for any competition points for the remainder of the season

Then of course there is an ATO investigation, possible civil & criminal charges, dumped sponsorships from ME Bank, HostPlus, and SKINS, a handful of pissed off fans, and humiliation. And by humiliation I mean they are the butt of many new jokes, facebook groups, etc   

This was too good to not include 🙂

 Some of my favourite jokes include:   

  • What has 26 legs and can’t climb a ladder? The Melbourne Storm
  • What’s the difference between a toothpick and the Melbourne Storm? A toothpick has two points (this is also a good one to use whenever the 2008 grand final is mentioned. 40 to NIL!)
  • Apparently Brian Waldron will be appearing on the new Celebrity Masterchef… his specialty: cooking the books
  • Underbellamy: A Tale of Two books
  • Cameron Smith: “Craig, how the hell are we meant to play out the remainder of the season knowing that we won’t be getting any points?” Craig Bellamy: “I don’t know, I’ll give Ricky Stuart a call…”

And some of the Facebook groups I have seen (naturally I joined them all):   

  • I was also in the secret Melbourne Storm salary book
  • Melbourne Storm: Salary cap FAIL
  • If Melbourne didn’t cheat Parramatta would’ve found another way to lose (i love how it bags out Melbourne & Parramatta)
  • At least my team can follow a salary cap
  • I hate it when I forget to hide a file and my NRL club is ruined
  • From a scale of 1 to the Melbourne Storm, how fucked are you?
  • I bet the Sharks still find a way to win the wooden spoon…

Now I go to school in the middle of Parramatta, right across the road from Parramatta Stadium as luck would have it. Thus, the make-up of my school looks a little like this:   

 

You see that little slice of maroon? That is me. I am clearly in the minority here and am getting a little sick of reading facebook statuses such as “ZOMG Parra are 2009 Premiers” and “wot iz dis BULL$H1T bro? da eelz $hud b da 2009 premierz”. I cannot believe how many  people seem to think that the 2007 & 2009 Premierships should be handed to Manly & Parramatta respectively. Granted, these are the same people who follow the ‘Hayne Train’ and fail to see the similarities between their beloved Jarryd Hayne & Rihanna.

Shit is uncanny!

I honestly think that David Gallop is 1000000%  correct for not awarding these Premierships to the runners up, and this is not just my hatred of Parramatta talking because I also agree in not awarding the Premiership to Manly. A lot of people have used the argument that in a race, if the winner is discovered to have cheated and are consequently stripped of their medal then the person who came second is promoted to first place. I die a little bit inside when people say this to me. The race  analogy can not be applied to the NRL in any way, shape, or form because:

  1. A race is a race, and an NRL finals series is an NRL finals series. I hate to sound cliche but it really is like comparing chalk and cheese. In a race there is a distinct first, second, third, etc and they are all in the race together & therefore all had the chance to contest the gold medal & thus to win. This is completely different to a knock-out finals series and I cannot emphasise this point enough.
  2. What about the team that Melbourne beat to get into the grand final? If they had played against the Eels last year the Eels still might’ve lost. And then there’s the team that misses out on the top 8 either by 2 points or on for-and-against and could’ve made the grand final had they not lost to the Storm. There are just too many, ‘variables’ I suppose you could say, to fairly hand the Premierships to the runners up

So there you have it, my two cents worth on the Storm’s salary cap scandal. And for good measure, a picture of Billy Slater not looking happy.

Picture courtesy of AAPIMAGE

     


Stereotypical NRL Fans

They say that NRL Fans are the most annoying people. Here are the reasons why;

Now that the season has come to an end and we have 142 days of nothing to do on friday nights, saturday nights, sunday afternoons, and monday nights but countdown until the next season, I have made the following observations about NRL supporters from different clubs…

BEWARE! EXTREME PREJUDICE AHEAD!

Canterbury Bulldogs Fans – Keeping the poilce force employed
Most likely to:

  • Have visited a Hungry Jacks or McDonalds in the past month, and are in fact likely to work at afore mentioned fast food outlet. 
  • Be caught doing something stupid. This has resulted in a large number of criminal records among Bulldogs fans, and what is likely to be the highest number of AVOs taken out against their fans than any other NRL club.
  • Use violence to solve their problems. Likewise, they are the most likely to have been in jail.
  • Hate that traitor ‘Dunny’ Bill Williams
They're just jealous he likes the French better

They're just jealous he likes the French better

  • Tork lyk dis bro and get their “cuzins onto ya”
  • Own a crowbar

Brisbane Broncos Fans – Thinking XXXX is real beer

Most likely to:

  • Have achieved a level of education no higher than primary school 
  • Have drunk low-alcohol or mid-strength beer in the past month
  • 99.99% more likely to be a cane-toad licking Queenslander

 Figure A: Queenslander

Figure A: Queenslander

 

  • Follow the Denver Broncos because they totally copied their moniker although they don’t admit it
  • Think XXXX is real beer and bash up anyone who tells them otherwise
  • 36127% more likely to support Queensland in the State of Origin
  • Belt the living daylights out of anyone who refers to them as the ‘ponies’
  • I'm a Bronco, not a pony dammit!

    I'm a Bronco, not a pony dammit!

  • Actually believe that Greg Inglis should play for Queensland in the State of Origin and be oblivious to the fact that Bowraville is in NEW SOUTH WALES you cheats!

North Queensland Cowboys Fans – Bending the bananas

Most likely to:

  • Think a Cowboy is actually cool, because they most probably are one 
Typical cowboys supporters

Typical cowboys supporters

  • Believe its just a coincidence they have the same moniker as the Dallas Cowboys and to totally watch the superbowl because they have some striking similarities to texans
  • Be thankful they werent name the North Queensland Crocodiles
  • Have had a colonoscopy by john hopoate
  • Use the phrase “Yeeeha!” or wear spurs on their boots
  • Ride a horse to their home games rather than drive
  • 82009% more likely to be a Queenslander and 678% more likely to support Queensland in the State of Origin
  • Say “I’m not very good with mechanical thingymabobs” unless they are referring to a mechanical bull
  • Drive a toyota, with a cattle dog in the back.
Bugger! The Cowboys lost... again.

Bugger! The Cowboys lost... again.

  • Wish their home stadium had a better name than ‘Dairy Farmers’… what about the cattle farmers?

Parramatta Eels Fans – Denying the fact they are bottom feeders
Most likely to:

  • hate Manly for no reason other than the fact they’re generally richer than the parramatta fans 
  • Watch a finals series than be involved in one
  • Have a mullet or some other shocking hairstyle… obviously taking styling tips from the king of hair do’s himself; nathan hindmarsh
Hey Nafan! The 70s called; they want their hairstyle back.

Hey Nafan! The 70s called; they want their hairstyle back.

  • Pronouce ‘th’ as ‘f’ eg. nafan hindmarsh & eric grofe
  • Follow a trend, join a ‘bandwagon’ or ‘train’, and not openly support their team unless they are in the top eight
Coming to a station near you... Perhaps it will run on time?

Coming to a station near you... Perhaps it will run on time?

  • Think that Daniel Mortimer is the Zac Efron of Rugby League
I wish I was as cool as Daniel Mortimer

I wish I was as cool as Daniel Mortimer

  • Live in a fibro house

St George Illawarra Dragons Fans – Ironically melting away
Most likely to:

  • Know the heimlich manouvere because their team always chokes. 
  • Want a home ground advantage, despite the fact that the only thing that could ever salvage their finals hopes is the other team forfeiting. Playing at kogarah is not likely to help them one little bit
Didn't do them much good

Didn't do them much good

  • Be forced to wear a pink shirt to work because the red ran into their whites in the washing machine
  • Stop watching the footy around september. when their team starts melting. like snow. 
Coming off the bench for the Dragons...

Coming off the bench for the Dragons...

  • Be Roman Catholic and aged over 50
  • Have a St George Bank Account

Newcastle Knights Fans – More mine than shine

Most likely to:

  • View ‘joey’ johns as a legend even though he admitted to using Ecstasy 
  • Be a coal miner
  • Say ‘I’m on the compo, mate’, ‘ I’ve done me back’, or ‘F**k it, I’m off to the pokies.’
  • Think that purple is a stupid colour because red and blue should not be combined unless they are on a jersey
  • Want their own leagues club so they can play the pokies
  • Dress eccentrically

Penrith Panthers Fans – Living in the ‘Riff
Most likely to:

  • Be a self-proclaimed bogan, yuppie, yobbo, or westie 
Too late.

Too late.

  • 9999999.99% more likely to own a ‘flanno’
  • Have a mullet
  • Not actually be scared of going to the ‘Riff, and are unashamed of the fact that it is called the ‘Riff
  • Refer to their own team as the panfers
  • Have a beer gut and eat meat pies on a regular basis because they dont give a damn about the calorie and fat content of their food ‘so long as it tastes good’
  • Be islander
  • Eat Krispy Kremes

South Sydney Rabbitohs Fans – Rioting in the Rabbit ‘Oles
Most likely to:

  • Be involved in a riot. Their percentage chances of their involvement in said riot increases ten-fold if the riot is in redfern 
Rabbitohs fans. Not rioting.

Rabbitohs fans. Not rioting.

  • Hate Russel Crowe and boycot his movies. Although who can blame them?
  • Wish they’d been named after a more vicious animal
Grrrrr! I'm a ferocious... rabbit?

Grrrrr! I'm a ferocious... rabbit?

  • Be unaware of the fact they arent actually named after cute, cuddly bunnies, but actually after men who skinned and sold rabbits on the streets as a source of income.
  • See their team get the wooden spoon, or at least be expected to and still remain blood loyal
  • Hope their team is never kicked out again, and if they are, they still seem to be proud of being Rabbitohs supporters 😐
  • Identify themselves as Rabbitohs supporters through Bumper Stickers, Caps, and South Sydney Jerseys even during the off season
Embarassing bumper sticker

Embarassing bumper sticker

  • Hate the roosters, except when they are at the bottom of the ladder, because in that case they are thanking their lucky stars they’re not the wooden spooners. again.

Sydney Roosters Fans – Living it up in the Eastern Suburbs

Most likely to:

  • Drink cappacinos, frappes, and lattes 
  • Have a silver spoon shoved in their mouth, or somewhere else. particularly where the sun dont shine
  • Generally be recognised as ‘observers’ rather than supporters
  • Lobby the NRL to raise the salary cap, because they know they can afford it
  • Be thankful they are the ‘Roosters’ and not the ‘Chickens’
  • not feel like chicken tonight
  • Envy Manly for being known as the silvertails, the Roosters are working so hard for that title
  • Judge a person by the type of car they drive
  • Insist they have always loved willie mason and braith anasta
It just doesn't look right...

It just doesn't look right...

  • Spend a day at Bondi and believe that it is actually a good beach

Melbourne Storm Fans – Regularly outnumbered by their players
Most likely to:

  • Watch the AFL, and openly admit to doing so 
Where are all the Melbourne Storm fans?

Where are all the Melbourne Storm fans?

Oh! There they are!

Oh! There they are!

  • Be feminine and have no qualms about wearing the colour purple
  • List Tinky Winky as their favourite tellytubby despite the fact he is clearly gay
The handbag goes great with the jersey

The handbag goes great with the jersey

  • Be unable to recognise or name any of their players
  • Watch an AFL match than an NRL match
  • Support Queensland in the State of Origin because their team consists of 68% of the Queensland State of Origin team
  • Refrain from making comments about Billy Slater’s permanent hat hair and the fact that is is obviously not human. How can any man be so annoying?
  • Take moisturising tips from the vainest NRL player out; Billy ‘the kid (with hat hair and no neck)’ Slaterrrrrrrr!
  • 177% more likely to be from Melbourne
  • Complain about the referees
  • Hate Manly because they embarrassed them in front of all of Australia. in the Grand Final
  • Have nightmares about toothpicks. Because they’re insanely jealous of the fact that toothpicks have two points
Not the toothpicks... anything but the toothpicks!

Not the toothpicks... anything but the toothpicks!

 

Canberra Raiders Fans – Basking in the glory of the Nation’s Capitol
Most likely to:

  • Have a number plate starting with ‘Y’ 
  • Think they’re better than everyone else because they are from Canberra
  • Brave freezing conditions to watch their team play
  • Use the words “lean”, “green”, “mean”, and “machine” in the same sentence
  • Know what the f**k a raider is
  • Support the Brumbies union team
  • 963214785% more likely to fly under the radar so no one really knows anyone about them

Manly Sea Eagles Fans – Enjoying the tall poppy syndrome
Most likely to:

  • Be extremely good looking 🙂 
Hello handsome :)

Hello handsome 🙂

  • Use the words “pride” and “tradition” when defending their home ground
  • Nickname their players after animals, ie. wolfman, snake, ox
  • Never travel to an away game. Why would you though, when your home ground is Fort Brookie!
  • See the term ‘silvertails’ as a compliment rather than an insult
  • Hate the fibros, at least we can afford bricks
  • Be hated by every other club, yet don’t really give a damn
  • 10000% more likely to actually be very manly 🙂
The white shorts, a clear favourite amongst female viewers

The white shorts, a clear favourite amongst female viewers

 

Cronulla Sharks Fans – Can’t help but relive memories of Jaws

Most likely to:

  • Surf 
  • Not hold their breath for their team to win a premiership anytime soon
  • Own a panel van
Car-pooling to Shark Park

Car-pooling to Shark Park

  • Have an attitude problem towards women
  • Smoke

Wests Tigers Fans – Roaring with pride
Most likely to:

  • Disagree with the fact that Benji Marshall is overrated 
  • Own a pair of Tigers undies
  • Support the Collingwood magpies
  • Wish Scott Prince had never left because he totally carried their team… as much as they hate to admit it

  • Find tv advertising more interesting than their team’s offense

Gold Coast Titans Fans – Cowabunga Dude! Surf’s UP!

Most likely to:

  • Use the term Cowabunga 
  • Worship Scott Prince and Mat Rogers
  • Have breathed a collective sigh of relief they weren’t named the Dolphins or something lame like that
Thank goodness we weren't named the dolphins, we would've needed to buy more paint

Thank goodness we weren't named the dolphins, we would've needed to buy more paint

  • Go to the beach than a football match
  • Wish they had chosen the Gladiators as a moniker
  • See themselves as Australia’s answer to Miami
Hi, I'm the Gold Coast, and when I grow up, I want to be just like Miami

Hi, I'm the Gold Coast, and when I grow up, I want to be just like Miami

  • Defend the Tennesee Titans when people bag them out because they have the same mascot
  • Have blonde hair & tan skin

New Zealand Warriors Fans – The lone Kiwis in a game of Aussies
Most likely to:

  • Have tribal tattoo, or any other form of tattoo and a large collection of body piercings 
  • Know the haka
  • Watch Rugby Union because the All Blacks do better than the Warriors
  • Acknowledge their New Zealand heritage, only when the team wins a game
  • Be at least double the size of the average person
  • Eat “Fush and Chups”
  • Scare the s**t out of small children